The following morning - January the first - Kieran woke up a little before midday. He felt surprisingly okay given that he'd had a fair amount to drink at the party.

He made himself some coffee and toast, fed Gandalf and sat in the living room watching television. Some sickly sweet children’s Christmas family movie was showing, and he only half paid attention to it.

The first indication he had that his flat was being broken into was when Gandalf - who had jumped up onto his lap - lifted his head quickly and spun his ears through one-eighty degrees.

Then Kieran heard something being knocked over in the bathroom; probably one of the bottles on the windowsill. In an instant of defensive instinct, Kieran could feel white fear ripping through his veins.

Someone was climbing in through the bathroom window.

'Shit!'

Gandalf jumped down to the floor, ears still inverted, and slinked towards the living room door.

Kieran picked up the remote control to mute the volume on the television, but then thought better of it and put it down without touching any of the buttons. Better not to alert the intruder that he knew something was up. He cast his eyes around the room for something he could use as a weapon, if it came to such an eventuality. The best thing he could find was an empty bottle of Becks on the coffee table. He picked it up and held it by the neck, brandishing it.

The noise in the bathroom continued, the clatter echoing down the hall. More plastic bottles and cosmetic accoutrements were falling off the windowsill into the bath. Whoever was climbing in through the window couldn't have been any noisier if they tried.

As Kieran stepped out into the corridor he felt acid in his stomach rising to his throat and he grimaced as he swallowed it back.

Now he could see the door to the bathroom. It was ajar, and quick shadows were passing over the little patch of blue wallpaper that he could see inside the room.

He edged a little closer, raising the bottle slightly in case he might need to use it sooner than he thought. Gandalf was nowhere to be seen.

More things being knocked over. Kieran glanced at the kitchen. It's door was adjacent to the bathroom so from where he was he could see the phone hanging on the wall, next to a corkboard littered with pizza take-away flyers and mini-cab cards.

He considered heading for the kitchen instead. Perhaps he could quietly call the police.

No. Even if they came as fast as they could, he wouldn't be able to hide that long. He would have to confront the burglar no matter what. The situation was too immediate.

More clattering. Kieran was now right outside the bathroom door, heart hammering in his chest. Did he have the courage to push open the door? He wavered slightly, wondering if he should call out to whoever was inside.

The clattering of bottles stopped. Perhaps they had all been knocked into the bath by now. But there was a new sound.

Flapping clothes. No. Flapping wings. Thud. Thud.

Kieran pushed the door open wide to reveal the mess in the bathroom.

A pigeon flew at him. He ducked and it flapped straight over his head. The Becks bottle fell out of his hand.

'Bloody hell.'

He turned to see the pigeon flying down the corridor, bash heavily into the front door and spin back towards him. He dodged out of the way as it flew straight back into the bathroom.

Kieran bolted to the front door and opened it wide. The pigeon clattered about in the bathroom again before zooming back down the hall and straight out the front door. He followed it out and watched it soar upwards into the sky.

For a few moments Kieran stood on the porch holding his breath. Still in a state of shock, watching the bird disappear over the top of the house across the street.

Then, after a minute or so of letting his breathing and heart rate return to normal, he went back into the house and closed the front door.

All along the corridor the floorboards were messy with smatterings of pigeon droppings, but the bathroom was worse. As he had guessed from the noise, the bath was full of things that had fallen off the windowsill. Shaving foam, shampoo, his razor, his deodorant and assorted bottles of aftershave all pooled in a heap near the plughole, covered in pigeon crap, which had smeared all the way up the bath, up the wall and onto the carpet too.

'What a bloody mess Gandalf,' he said and went to make a cup of tea, into which he added two extra sugars, and sipped while he leaned against the jamb of the bathroom door, surveying the damage.

That was when he noticed that the bathroom window was closed. It had been closed all along. He turned and looked along the corridor.

'Well, how the hell did he get in?' he whispered to himself.

He walked into the kitchen. All the windows were closed. The bedroom windows were also closed. The only open window in the entire flat was the one in the living room, but he had been sitting in there, and he certainly would have noticed a pigeon flapping past on it's way to the bathroom. And besides, the bathroom door wasn't open enough to allow the creature to get in.

Back in the kitchen he filled a bucket with hot water, washing up liquid and bathroom cleaner, donned a pair of rubber gloves and went into the bathroom to attack the stains.

He ran the taps in the bath and started to clean the pigeon shit off the bottles, taking each clean item and placing it back on the windowsill. He reached over to the lever to route the water up to the showerhead that hung on a hook above the bath.

But he didn't pull the lever because he saw something in the droppings that stopped him dead, and made him drop everything, dash to the kitchen, pick up the phone and call Ashley.

 

~

 

Ashley and Kieran stood in the bathroom looking at the mess of pigeon crap smeared across the white expanse of the bath.

Ashley looked exquisite and delicious, with ruffled hair, a thin black t-shirt and grey-green cargo pants.

'Can you see it?' he said, keen for some assurance that he wasn't going mad.

She tilted her head to one side. 'Well, if you squint a little perhaps.'

'Oh come on it's easier than that. Look,' he pointed. 'There's the S, and it runs all the way across to the W over there.'

Ashley was nodding. 'I know I can sort of see it. But it's a little like a Rorschach test isn't it? Open to interpretation.'

'No, it's much more obvious than that.'

Ashley let out a sigh. 'Well I don't really know what you want me to say, Kieran. All I can think of is how smelly it is in here. Come on, lets clear it up.'

Ashley worked on the bathroom while Kieran scrubbed away at the floorboards in the corridor. Every now and then while he was working away on his hands and knees, he would glance along the corridor and see her on her knees beside the bath. And for a moment everything seemed perfect. There was something so ordinary and domesticated about what they were doing that Kieran felt a strong rising feeling of groundedness and homeliness.

He had a glimpse of what life might be like if they were married. And for some crazy reason, tears welled up in his eyes.

Maybe it was because his feelings for her were growing stronger with each passing day, and every time he saw her he found another reason to want to be with her. Maybe it was because domestic bliss, even in the guise of the mundane things like cleaning up pigeon shit, was a thing that he had never seen his parents indulging in.

He fought back the emotion. He didn't want Ashley to see him with tears in his eyes; not when he couldn't explain their reason for being.

Before long he finished scrubbing the floorboards and went and stood in the bathroom doorway while Ashley finished off what she was doing. 'Thanks for helping and everything.'

'Oh that's okay.' She stood up and flicked her hair away from her face. Her cheeks were flush. She started to wash her hands in the sink.

Kieran said, 'Would you like to go for a walk. Maybe in Walpole Park. We could get some lunch after perhaps.'

 

~

 

The park was empty. The cold bare trees, the muddy dewey grass and sludgy soggy leaf-soaked paths were laid out by nature just for Ashley and Kieran. There was a thick cloud cover in the sky, which robbed the day of its colour, but reciprocated by taking some of the chill away too.

Kieran and Ashley entered the park from the Mattock Lane entrance and walked around the perimeter path. Ashley had linked her arm through his and it made him feel confident and safe.

Kieran looked across the park at the trees surrounded by ground mist and said. 'In the cold light of day, what do you think about last night? About what happened between us.'

'Do you want to know if I thought it was a mistake?'

'Well, yes, I do.'

Ashley was shaking her head. 'It wasn't a mistake. I'm glad we kissed. I think we both needed it.'

'But, Phillip would...'

'Phillip would be glad if I ended up with you.' Ashley moved her hand and slid it into the big pocket in Kieran’s thick coat. She found his hand and netted her fingers between his.

He was looking at her. 'Do you really think so?'

She half shrugged. 'I don't know. I'd sort of hoped that he wanted me for himself. I guess I was wrong about that.'

Kieran wasn't sure what to say after that. He supposed he wanted to comfort her by saying that she surely wasn't any part of the reason Phillip took his own life. He wanted to tell her that she was too wonderful for that to be true. But he didn't want to try and placate her with flattery that would just seem - well, flat, under the circumstances, because the bottom line was this: Phillip took his life even though he knew Ashley was there for him. Ashley, therefore, was not enough of a reason for him to stay alive.

She seemed to sense his internal struggle and said, 'Don't worry. I'm not going to go all complex on you. I purged a lot of that stuff when I was in the States. I must have driven my poor aunt mad while I was there. Y'know, letting it all out and everything. I'm so glad I went though. I didn't realise how much I needed it until I actually got there.'

'I'm pretty amazed at how well you've dealt with it.'

'Well I've hidden the worst of it from you.'

'I thought that might be the case. I wish you wouldn't though.'

She gripped his hand a little tighter. 'It's automatic. I don't intend to be a certain way. That's just the way it happens. Don't you find sometimes that you experience emotions and moods that you don't understand? You end up following them, seeing where they take you.'

Kieran's mind returned to the bittersweet feelings he'd felt in the hallway back at the house, where he'd suddenly felt tears in his eyes just because he saw her scrubbing away at the bath. 'Yes,' he said. 'I know exactly what you mean.'

She stopped and he stopped too. She looked up at him, her eyes were filled with tears but she was smiling. It was a real, genuine, warm smile and she sniffed, pulled a tissue from her other pocket and wiped her nose. 'Still, we've all got to get on with it haven't we.'

Kieran nodded, he could feel his throat clenching up the way it often did before his eyes started to well up.

She said. 'Do you regret kissing me?'

'Ashley, I don't think anyone could ever regret kissing you.'

She smiled and nodded slightly. Her eyes looked to the side, as though sharing a little joke with herself. 'Kiss me again.'

 

~

 

They went back to the house, all ideas of lunch now firmly out the window. Gandalf sat at the end of the bed licking his paws while they lay on it, semi clothed, discovering each other’s bodies with their hands and their mouths. It wasn't a frantic, empassioned discovery, not like in the movies. It was a slow, tender and tentative discovery, like two people who wanted each other very much, but were all too aware of the silent presence of the dead friend that hung over them.

Ashley broke away from their kiss and shook her head. 'This is too soon.'

Kieran cast his eyes downward and nodded. 'Okay.'

'I'm sorry. I thought it would be all right. Doing this. I mean; I want it. I really do. It's just...'

'It's okay. I know. I suppose I feel the same. I'm just not as good at controlling it. It's been a long time for me.'

She eyed him quizzically. 'Really? How long?'

'Long enough.' Kieran forced a smile. He was trying to convince her that it didn't matter.

Ashley laid her head back on the pillow and looked up at the ceiling. 'I hope you don't mind waiting.'

Kieran shook his head. 'The best things in life are worth waiting for. Besides. For some reason, after I met you, the rest of the world seemed to stop existing.'

Ashley eyed him for a moment longer, then sat up and swung her legs round to sit on the side of the bed. She had her back to him. He watched her as she rubbed her eyes. Looking at the bedside table she saw his sleeping tablets and picked them up, rotating the bottle in her hand. 'Are these what the doctor gave to you for the sleeping problem?'

'Yes.'

'Do they work?'

Kieran shrugged as best he could given that he was resting on one elbow. 'I wish I knew.'

She put them back. 'How long have you been taking them?'

He reached over and picked up the bottle himself. 'Just over a month. Since the day after you loaned me the video camera.'

He opened the lid and saw there were about ten left inside. He screwed the lid back on and looked at the water-smudged label, which had blotted some of the letters, making it harder to read.

 

Only for use by prescribed patient. Not to be taken by any other person. Take one capsule at least one hour before sleep - Dr Thrower.

 

'You should stop taking them,' said Ashley. 'It can't be good for you. Indefinitely taking tablets like this when you can't directly see the benefits.'

Kieran put the bottle back on the bedside table. 'You're probably right. What I should really do is finish off the tablets like the doctor ordered, then perhaps I should try more natural remedies. Cutting out caffeine. Drink camomile tea.'

She got up and headed for the bedroom door. 'And get more exercise too.'

'Are you saying I'm fat?'

'No. You need to make yourself more tired. Hold on I need the loo.'

Kieran listened to her walking down the hall to the bathroom, go in and close the door.

'Gandalf, what do you think of her?'

Gandalf ignored him and carried on cleaning his inner thigh. Kieran reached down and stroke Gandalf's little cat-shaped head.

'C'mon. Don't you think she's a babe?'

Kieran heard the toilet flush. He lay back and stared out the window at the dark blue sky that he could see through the jagged branches of the trees. She came back into the bedroom.

'Don't you hate it when it gets dark this early,' he said. 'It's only four o'clock.'

'I was thinking about Edward Gosnell,' she said as she lay back on the bed.

'In what way?'

'I was thinking about how he murdered three men just to protect his wife. It made me think that we all have capacity to murder people, if someone we love is threatened.'

'Do you think so?'

She shifted herself onto her side, 'Of course. I mean, if someone broke into my house and threatened to kill a member of my family, and it came right down to it, as an act of defense, I wouldn't hesitate to kill in order to defend them, y'know.'

'I suppose you're right. Everyone probably has a line; a breaking point, if it really came to it.'

'On the whole I think Gosnell's sentiments were right. His reaction to the threat on his wife was chivalrous, even though it was extreme. I'd certainly be glad to know that I had a man that would... y'know, defend my honour.'