Kieran’s flat was situated in a quiet corner of Ealing, in an area called Northfields. It was a nice enough part of the world, even though the rent was expensive, and the journey into London by underground was more than a little hassle. He could think of many worse places to live.

The area felt comfortable for him. It was near where he grew up, and it still felt like he belonged there, even though his family was no longer any part of the area anymore.

After his father died, Kieran’s mother remained single for a good seven years. It was just as Kieran was preparing to leave home and get a place of his own (by this time he was nineteen, and eager to make the leap into independence) when his mother met a man from South Africa. His name was Pieter.

A couple of years later, Lorraine Whyteleafe married Pieter and moved out to Cape Town with him. She always made it clear to Kieran that if he ever wanted to chuck it all in and leave London, she would buy him a ticket on the next plane out faster than he could pack his belongings, and Cape Town could be his new home.

Kieran had no intention of moving to South Africa. London was his home and he couldn’t imagine a life outside of it. He had not travelled much in his life, just a two-week beach holiday in Corfu and a weeklong camping trip in France. He freely admitted to anyone who would ask that his lack of worldly experience was no doubt a major factor in his reluctance to ever want to leave England.

So he persevered in his Northfields ground floor flat, working in the post room of a large multinational consultancy company, waiting for his big break, whatever that would be.

And it was this flat which he closed the door of on the day of the funeral at a little after noon and walked to the end of the road to catch the first of three buses that would take him to the gates of Breakspear crematorium in Northolt. He wore his black work suit, and a black tie, which he borrowed from Darren, and though his shoes were scuffed they were the only pair he had.

Sitting on the bus he watched young women with prams and small children loading shopping bags into cars. He watched young men in suits walking in and out of record shops. He watched a group of kids dodging school to sit in the park and smoke cigarettes. All these things he saw were the hallmark of a weekday. The kind of things you don’t see when you’re at work. These things reminded you that you had the day off.

And usually that would be a good thing. Being off work. But not this time because Phillip Hynes had killed himself, and Kieran didn’t know why. As far as he was aware, nobody knew why. But then, did there always have to be a reason? Okay, yes there’s always a reason, but was it always possible for others to know the reason and understand?

Perhaps not this time. Kieran toyed with the idea in his mind. What if he never found out why Phillip poisoned himself? It was perfectly possible that the answer would never surface, but would he be able to live with that?

Each time Kieran waited for another bus he smoked a cigarette, all in preparation for the uncertainties that lay ahead. He was going to a funeral where he would probably know only two people. Phillip’s mother and father. And it had been nearly ten years since he’d seen them. What would he say?

As for Ashley? He’d only seen a picture of her. He doubted he would get a chance to speak to her at all.

Bright sunshine illuminated the inside of the bus to Northolt, and Kieran found he shared the ride with an old lady who was sitting near the front. In one hand she held a shopping bag while the other hand held a bar for support while the bus leaned sharply around corners. Otherwise he was alone. He felt like he was on a bus to the end of the world.

The bus swept past the Polish War Memorial and on towards the crematorium.

Looking out of the window at the cars and the road, and the flashing that the sun made in his eyes as it flittered through the trees, Kieran’s eyes filled with tears, which he thought would stay only in his eyes, but instead escaped to land on his leg like ink on blotting paper.

He hadn’t thought to bring any tissues.

 

~

 

Breakspear Crematorium was set back from the main road like a stately home, with trees obscuring the view from the gate as though the farewells that were said there were secret and not for the rest of the world to see, lest those people be reminded of their fragile mortality.

Kieran recognised Diane and Andrew Hynes instantly, but they didn’t recognise him. This, Kieran supposed was understandable given that he was likely to have changed far more in ten years than they had.

They thanked him for coming, and he followed them into the building.

It was the most modern and drab of churches, lacking any of the character of a real period church. This seemingly functional place made Kieran feel sad, as though those who were laid to rest here were not worthy of a more beautiful building.

Kieran sat at the very back. He only felt able to observe, not participate. The coffin that lay pathetically at the front was as near as he wanted it to be.

Looking around at the other pews he could see about fifty people in attendance, but looking at the backs of their heads it was impossible to tell if any of them were from the school he and Phillip had attended.

When the ceremony began he found he wasn’t really listening to the sermon. He found his mind wandering to the best time he and Phillip had ever had. It was the night of the school disco in the last year of primary school. They were thirteen again. It was the night of the double kiss.

 

~

 

Tears for Fears have started to play the opening piano chords of Head over Heels and it’s definitely Kieran’s favourite song. It’s a song that empowers him and he asks Samantha to dance. Ask him in the morning how he had the nerve to do that and he won’t be able to tell you, but right now the music and the lights and the fact that it’s a warm summer’s evening mean he is capable of anything and everything.

Samantha is wearing a floral dress that is making all the boys wish she were on their arm. Her hair is down and it’s shining. She’s full of colour. She’s radiant, and she’s dancing with Kieran.

She’s looking into his eyes and he has his hand on her soft arm and he hopes this will go on forever. It doesn’t get any better than this.

This is the first time he has ever danced with a girl and they’re both feeling the song. He can tell she likes it too. Kieran can feel eyes burning into his back. For once the other boys are jealous of him, and it’s a beautiful feeling because he knows that his social status has been elevated for good. Nothing will knock him down now.

When the song ends they find themselves outside in the playground, at the back, near the tall oak trees, sitting on the low wall sharing a plastic cup with lemonade in it. The stars are out and it seems like the universe is shining just for the two of them.

They talk about some of the other couples that seem to have gotten together that evening, and then they kiss. This is his first kiss and Kieran is surprised to feel how soft her tongue is. He expected something… rougher. The sensation turns out to be a thousand times more amazing that he ever thought it would be.

The fabric of her dress is smooth to his touch and she smells so exquisitely sweet. He can also smell the summer grass. This moment will frequent his future journeys into his past memories. It will be his favourite.

They kiss a while longer, and when he pulls his mouth away and turns his face to take in the evening once again he sees that Phillip is sitting further along the wall, with Jennifer.

They are kissing, and Phillip’s hand is down at his side, he is making a thumbs-up sign directly at Kieran.

And now they are both fully aware of how great things are at that very moment. How the two of them had dreamed this moment would come. And somehow it has. The stars and planets have aligned themselves this evening, and the universe is taking a bow.

Later on that evening, when Phillip and Kieran are alone outside together once more, just before the last of the slow songs begin, just before they go inside to share a final dance with those two girls, he says ‘Kieran, I am in Heaven.’

 

~

 

‘Kieran? I'd like you to meet Ashley Henderson.’

Ashley Henderson was wearing a conservative black dress and business style suit jacket. She was pretty, and Kieran could see why Phillip would have gone for her. She smiled as she shook Kieran’s hand, and he tried to smile back, but he found he was not completely capable of emotion just yet.

They were standing outside the crematorium, where people were waiting for cars to collect them and take them to the wake.

‘Would you like to ride with us?’ said Ashley.

‘If there’s room. Yes please.’

Ashley’s father Brian drove the car and Kieran sat in the rear seat with Ashley. Kieran didn’t know where her mother was, she hadn’t attended the funeral.

The car was silent for part of the way, but it was Kieran who spoke first.

‘Diane told me you found him.’

Ashley glanced at Kieran and then back out the window at the passing trees, ‘Yes I did.’

‘That must have been very hard.’

She looked back at him, ‘Yes it was. He had this look in his eyes. This vacant look. Indescribable.’

‘And you were living with him all that time. Wasn’t there any…’

‘Any sign? That’s a question that just about everyone has managed to ask me. No I don’t think I saw any signs that he had this in him, or even that it was imminent. It’s not really a thing that I do. Look for signs in people that they might be suicidal.'

'Of course.'

'There were no signs Kieran. The poor thing had something going on in that head of his, and he didn’t let any of it show. That’s probably why he did it. I mean; he was bottling something up, not sharing it. The pressure must’ve just… pushed him too far.’

Kieran stared at Ashley, unsure whether to say anything more or let her continue. He remained silent.

‘I’ve had police and psychiatrists over the last ten days tell me that there was a likelihood that Phillip would keep his most treasured secrets away from those who were closest to him. Fair enough, we’re probably not supposed to share everything. I mean, yes, I have secrets that I never told him about, but…’ She shook her head, ‘I don’t know. My mind has been twisted in circles this week.’

When Kieran looked at Ashley, he thought he saw all the things that Phillip would have loved about her. He could feel her honesty and her desire to rationalise. It was those grounded qualities that Phillip would have gone for. He would have had such a happy life with her.

So why? Why on Earth did he cut that life short?

 

~

 

Kieran stood in the middle of the lounge he had played in so many times as a child. Phillip’s childhood home. The home of Diane and Andrew Hynes. The decorations had changed now, yes. But the shape and size were the same, and that was all that was required for Kieran to hear the playful sounds of his youth resonate inside his head.

Looking down at the floor he could see – in his mind - the Scalectrix track he and Phillip had built one Sunday afternoon in that very room some twelve years before. He could almost feel the carpet burns on his knees from kneeling at the side of the track for hours on end, holding the plastic trigger that fired the cars into motion.

The races they used to have. Kieran felt a thin smile find its way to his lips.

‘I brought you some food.’

He snapped out of his trance. Ashley was standing next to him holding a plate of assorted corner-cut sandwiches. Kieran took the plate, ‘Thank you.’

‘I’m struggling a bit here,’ Ashley said. ‘I’m finding it absolutely stifling being with these people right now. They’re all full of concern, wanting to know if I’m okay, and all I want to do is get blind drunk and forget who I am for awhile. I can’t… deal with Phillip’s family right now. I simply can’t.’

Kieran nodded; his mouth was full of sandwich.

‘I have to agree,’ he said finally. ‘Being in this room brings back too many memories that I’d rather forget right now. Phillip and I played in here often.’

‘Do you fancy heading back to Ealing and getting a drink. I just want to get shit-faced.’

Kieran hesitated, ‘Shouldn’t we at least stay a bit longer?’

Ashley shook her head, ‘No one’s going to make us. They all tread on eggshells around me at the moment. Come on, I’ll call us a cab.’

 

~

 

The taxi took them to Northfields where they found a bar called Jacksons, which was fashioned out of an old bank, with majestic pillars propping up a high ceiling. The bar was practically empty. It was only five o’clock, and people hadn’t finished work yet. Kieran guessed that it would fill up fairly soon.

‘I work in a music studio round the back of Wardour Street.’ Ashley was saying. ‘I’m a desk engineer, so I’m always on hand to help out the producers while they’re recording. My usual shifts are twenty-four hours on, twenty-four hours off.’

‘That must be pretty tiring. I don't know if I could work those hours.'

‘You get used to it. There’s plenty of opportunities to find a quiet corner and get some sleep, as there are lots of rest areas with these huge great sofas, and cable TV’s, DVD players, stereos, Playstations.’

Ashley adjusted her glasses on her nose and took a sip of her vodka and cranberry juice. Kieran took a sip of his beer.

She continued, ‘I left the studio at about a quarter to four in the morning. I got a cab to collect me from the office. The night buses are useless and there’s no way I’m wandering the streets at that time of night or sitting at a bus stop shivering my arse off.'

'It's been a very cold October.'

'Yeah, it has. Anyway, I got home at about four-thirty. I was expecting to just clamber into bed next to him, and spend an hour listening to his dreadful snoring before I eventually dropped off to sleep myself. But... but he wasn't in bed. He was in the living room, slumped on the sofa with a bottle of beer in his hand. The television and all the lights were on and I thought he’d just fallen asleep. I tried to wake him, but as I touched his face and felt how cold it was I also realised that his skin was so pale and grey. And his eyes. It was terrifying. Then I saw the sick. He’d vomited on the sofa and all down his front and I hadn’t seen it at first. But as soon as I saw the stains I could suddenly smell it. I knew straight away that something was really, really wrong. I checked for his pulse and I found nothing and it… it was horrible. I dropped his arm in disgust. I’m so angry with myself for having that reaction. I ran into the kitchen to call an ambulance. That was when I saw the bottle of cleaning fluid on the sideboard. Looking at how much was left… he could have had as much as half a bottle of the bloody stuff. Well, that's what the post-mortem concluded. He'd masked the taste with the beer.'

As Kieran was visualising the scene, the door to the bar opened a group of four young men in suits came in, making a lot of excited noise, clearly happy to be away from work at the start of the weekend. It disturbed both their thoughts and Ashley seemed to snap out of a trance and look around the room.

‘I’m not going too fast am I?’

‘No, not at all.’

‘Okay,’ she continued. ‘By then I was pretty much hyperventilating and the woman on the other end of the phone was telling me to calm down so she could take down my details. I told them Phillip had drunk half a bottle of cleaning fluid and he was cold as an iceberg and I really thought he was dead, and that they’d better send an ambulance. Then I called his parents. I let their phone ring and ring until they answered it. I spoke to Andrew and I told him everything. I was crying so hard then that I’m surprised he could even understand what I was saying. They came straight over, just in time to see the paramedic pronounce him dead.’

Kieran could feel tension in his muscles. ‘But why would he do that to himself?’

‘I’ve been battling with that question for ten days now and I hate the fact that if I’m no closer to an answer now, then I probably never will be.’

‘And there was no note, or journal? Nothing at all?’

Ashley shook her head, 'Like I said. Nothing.’

Kieran was silent awhile. Ashley was watching him, and he was thinking the worst. ‘And there’s no chance that it could have been…’

She was shaking her head. ‘Murder? No, the police never suspected anything like that. There was no evidence to support it. They told me not to touch him so that a forensics team could check for evidence of... of foul play. They dusted for fingerprints, but all they found were his and mine. And fortunately I had an alibi that placed me at the studio at the time of death, which they said was about five or six hours earlier. A few hours later they took his body away. It was horrible. I've never felt so terribly... empty... like that in my whole life.'

'Was there a post mortem?'

'They found a substantial amount of cleaning fluid in his system. He'd taken it with a beer, presumably to block the taste. The inquest is weeks away but the coroner released his body just two days ago.'

They were both silent in thought after that. Kieran was thinking of other questions to ask, but it seemed as though Ashley had filled in all the gaps already.

He looked out through the windows at the cars going by. It was raining hard now. A fine mist of spray was hovering just above the pavement from the impact of a million droplets. Some people had been caught out without umbrellas, and they were running for shelter, holding briefcases and newspapers over their heads for what little relief from the deluge they could get.

‘So what will you do now?’ Kieran eventually said.

‘In a few weeks Diane and Andrew are going to put the house on the market. It’s Phillip’s house anyway so I won’t be living there anymore. It’s too intense anyway. Right now I’m staying with my parents.’

‘Do you fancy another drink?’ said Kieran.

Ashley nodded.

It was the start of a long evening’s drinking.

 

~

 

Kieran returned from the toilet to find Ashley being chatted up by a guy in a suit who looked only a little more drunk than she was. As he walked across the room back to their table he looked up at the clock above the huge ornate mirror that adorned the rear of the bar. Quarter to eleven. Last orders in fifteen minutes.

‘Thanks a lot for the offer,’ Ashley was saying to the opportunistic gentleman, ‘but my husband wouldn’t be too pleased with that.’

Kieran felt a chill run down his spine. He realised they were both looking at him, and Ashley was giggling. The guy had a look on his face that said he’d been the butt of a joke, and he didn’t seem to like it. He walked away, through the crowd back to his mates.

Kieran sat down, ‘Why did you say that?’

Ashley was still giggling, ‘I had to get rid of him somehow.’

Kieran stared at her. He was drunk, but he wasn’t having trouble understanding how surreal this evening had been. Here he was, sitting in a bar with the girlfriend of his dead school-buddy, and she was giggling away, as though dismissing the fact that a couple of weeks ago Phillip was alive and well and everything was right with the world.

Ashley’s face changed, ‘Is something wrong?’

Kieran put his head in his hands. He was starting to feel sick, ‘I think I’ve had too much to drink. This whole thing is a bit too strange. I’m not really sure how I’m supposed to be feeling right now. And, well…’

‘And you don’t like seeing me laughing,’ said Ashley.

‘It’s not that, it’s just. Well, okay. I’ve really enjoyed this evening. Sitting here chatting with you, getting to know you better. It feels strange though, because we never met before, but we have a common friend. I guess I feel guilty sitting here with you, having a good time, when Phillip’s just, just a pile of bloody… ashes. And he’s the reason we know each other. Doesn’t that feel odd to you?’

Ashley fixed him with a stare he couldn’t read; ‘I am not going to allow anyone to prevent me from disconnecting myself for a few hours.’ She stood and gathered her coat off the back of her chair. ‘After the week I’ve had. No sir. No bloody way.’

Kieran stood. ‘I’m sorry Ashley. I don’t want to spoil anything. Please stay. I’m really sorry.’

She was biting her lip, fighting back tears and staring out of the window at the rain. It had eased off into a light drizzle now.

‘Besides,’ Kieran continued, ‘there’s something I want to ask you.’

She looked at him, and at that moment it felt to Kieran like there was nobody else in the bar, despite the noise and the music.

‘What?’

‘Well, you work in a music studio. Given your experience and expertise; I was wondering if you might know how to fix a broken audiocassette.’

Ashley blinked in surprise, like the question had come out of leftfield. It was obvious that he was attempting to divert the conversation to more stable ground. Then she let out a sigh, and Kieran could see her taught anger turn into weak resignation. He felt relief at seeing her shoulders slump. ‘Broken in what way?’

‘Well, the tape snapped at the leader. You see, it doesn’t belong to me and I need to get it back to its owner. Would you know how to fix it?’

‘I don’t, but if you give it to me I could get one of the tape guys to look at it at the studio.’

Kieran looked at his watch, ‘I have it back at my flat. It’s a couple of roads away. Maybe we could go and get it now?’

Ashley looked at her watch. ‘Okay, can I call a cab home from your place then?’

‘Sure.’

 

~

 

Kieran’s flat was nice and warm. As he and Ashley stepped through the door, out of the rainy cold, the heat started to thaw his bones.

Gandalf bounced down the hallway to meet them, ‘Hello buddy. That’s Gandalf.’

Ashley crouched and stroked Gandalf while Kieran switched on the lights. Gandalf miaowed and rubbed his face against Ashley’s arm, getting wet from the glistening drops of water that were on her dark coat.

‘Careful,’ said Kieran as he made his way through to the kitchen, ‘He’ll eat you.’

‘Really? Why?’

‘He’s a walking bloody waste-disposal unit. He always wants food, and he has a taste for the bizarre.’

‘Bizarre?’ Ashley stood and followed him down to the kitchen. ‘This is a nice place. Do you rent?’

‘Yes. Oh… he eats weird stuff. Curry. Mange-tout. His favourite is pizza.’

‘Pizza?’

Kieran was filling the kettle from the tap. ‘Whenever I order a pizza he always has to have one too. Just a small Meat Feast or something. Thin and crispy. I have to cut it up for him though. Then we watch a movie.’

Ashley laughed. ‘Seriously?’

Kieran nodded, smiling, ‘Absolutely. Want a coffee?’

‘That’d be lovely.’ Ashley walked over to the kitchen table and touched the old newspaper, ‘What’s this?’

Kieran looked round as he took a couple of mugs out of the cupboard. ‘What? Oh that. It’s just some research I’m doing into something.’

She was looking at the corner of the page. ‘Kieran this is really old. It’s from the war!’

Kieran opened a can of Whiskas for Gandalf and spooned it into his bowl. ‘Yeah, I found it at work I thought it would be interesting to have a read.’

Ashley saw the tape and picked it up. ‘Is this the cassette?’ She looked closely at the spools.

‘That’s the one. Reckon it’s fixable?’

‘Probably.’

Once Kieran had made two coffees he telephoned for a cab.

He was told it would be there in ten minutes. He went and stood next to Ashley. She was swaying on her feet, looking down at the newspaper.

‘Cab’ll be ten minutes,’ he said.

She looked at Kieran. Her eyes were wide. ‘I think I’ve had too much to drink.’

Kieran nodded. ‘Me too.’

She stared at him, his nose, his mouth and his neck. He was acutely aware of her wandering eyes examining him.

‘Ashley. Erm…does the word “Spireclaw” mean anything to you?’ Kieran said.

‘The what? Spar-what?’

‘Spireclaw.’ He spelled it aloud.

Ashley started laughing, some spittle landed on Kieran’s face but he didn’t wipe it off. She sipped her coffee. ‘Nope. Have you looked in the dictionary?’

‘I’ve already tried the dictionary.’

She flipped the newspaper over to show the front page. ‘So what is this research you’re doing?’

Kieran smiled; he didn’t really feel like being drawn into this conversation. Not right now. Not when they’d been drinking for nearly six hours. Not on the day of Phillip’s funeral. No. Too many things were going on in his mind.

‘Ashley, I promise I will tell you all about it someday. But I think now isn’t the time.’

‘Why?’ she was wearing a playful grin on her face. ‘Is it secret?’

‘No. It’s not secret. Just a little confusing. And possibly a little silly, so I’d really rather talk about it another time.’

Ashley eyed him for a moment, with a look that showed she was trying to see through Kieran, intent on discovering something valuable and special behind his eyes. He stared her down, and eventually she nodded a resignation and raised her finger in front of his face.

‘You’re a dark horse Kieran Whyteleafe. Phillip told me lots about you,’ she turned, almost losing her balance and spilling her coffee in the process. ‘But he never told me you had a mysterious side.’

Kieran’s smile widened, ‘Ah! That’s because my mysterious side was so mysterious that even he was unaware of it!’

Ashley was laughing again, but her laugh had begun before he had finished his punchline, so Kieran was left with the awkward feeling that she was laughing at him rather than with him.’

She took a sip of coffee and dropped the mug a little heavily onto the table. ‘They’re probably wondering what the hell happened to me. I bet they think I’ve been consumed by grief and jumped off a bridge or something.’

There was a knock on the front door. The cab had arrived. Within a minute she was gone and the flat was silent.

It was an abrupt and disappointing ending to a crazy evening.